The Stir

Week 9

So how is Paris? Colder than last week!

Thursday

Nothing special today except I lifted my seal of no French far too many times. It’s just that it has become so difficult to explain or do the most simple activities if I just speak English. Unfortunately, some of my student’s English is so poor that not speaking French really isn’t an option. ‘Sigh’ it’s a bit depressing considering some of them have been doing English for 5 years or more.

At least I got some entertainment on the journey home; first there was what can only be described as a slap worthy deranged fool dancing like a drunk gazelle at place d’italie. Hopping/skipping from place to place and then going up to random individuals with his hand extended in what I assume was a request for financial appreciation of his disturbing yet, mesmerizing dance. Then the bus journey was also a novel experience, although far less comical:

On the bus home and there was this rather attractive young lady sat next to me. However, she wasn’t there for long as this rather robust lady comes over and stares the girl down so much that she offers her seat. So immediately I didn’t like the woman because robustness is never a replacement for beauty. But more importantly, this woman didn’t qualify for ‘elderly’ category and so she shouldn’t have demanded a seat, she was in late 30’s maybe, tops. However, that’s not the worst part. When she started mumbling to herself like the crazy people you see on the metro late at night, then alarm bells started ringing!! But I just tried to absorb myself into my book and forget about her.

Unfortunately, I happened to look up at this individual when she starts.........picking her nose. Not that disgusting you say? We’ve seen it before etc etc. Yes perhaps with kids etc but, I assure you, NOT TO THIS EXTENT.

First of all, I shouldn’t really say picking as opposed to FORAGING, she was like a deep sea diver with that finger, delving into the furthest recess of the nose, going so far and with such tenacity that I was sure a nose bleed was imminent. Of course I should’ve just looked away, but for the life of me I could not. As disgusting as it was, I was in so much shock, that I could not help but watch...... and yes, I immediately regretted this decision.

The next step of sick city was watching the spoils of that same finger being analysed with beady eyes of doom, before they were thrust into a salivating mouth and devoured with such glee it bordered on madness. So yes I was on the verge of throwing up at this point and things only got worse after the 3^rd, 4^th, 5^th, 6^th and 7^th journey.

I have no idea how I didn’t manage to lose my lunch, but luckily enough my senses kicked in at the last moment and I spent the rest of the journey with my eyes glued to the FLOOR. For real, that is soooooo disgusting, at that age and all!! Also, if you really, really, must pursue such an unfathomably disgusting habit, then don’t do it in a PUBLIC PLACE where you force others to suffer as well. Clearly someone needs to slap a LIFETIME’s worth of ‘Didn’t your mother ever teach you’ lessons into this not fully evolved human being. 

That scarred me for a while and my housemates as well when I told them of my disturbing encounter. Luckily the rest of the day was fairly uneventful. Although, I find that whenever I have lots of time to do X, Y and Z, I end up doing nothing at all and then when I have no time at all, vice versa. I am well aware of this habit of mine and yet I can’t seem to break it, this irritates me greatly.

You’ll be glad to know that I finally shutdown the ACN guy with a text. He’s been bugging and calling me to no end and I have no idea why I was entertaining his nonsense. So I just sent him a text saying, I have no interest in the business, but if you still want to talk, feel free to call. I think you know whether my phone rang or not.

Friday

Woke up pissed because I got a last minute call from one of my colleagues that I have to do a class in the morning. This annoyed me greatly as I generally just do afternoons. My bad moved lasted most of the day and I even turned down a concert offer – poor effort from me I know. 

Got a new class though and was worried at the start because they were really rowdy when my colleague was taking the register. It reminded me of my first teaching day when I was walking to the front and the kids all kept shouting out profanities or saying absurd things like ‘I love you’.  But things quieted down as soon as he left. At first I just thought it was the students who were being unfair on the teacher but now it’s quite clear....no one in the school, not even other teachers like this particular teacher. One teacher even went so far as to say he reminds her of a serial killer.....some killer vibes indeed.

Saturday

Nothing much, just relaxed. Although my landlord is going overboard on cleaning; she’s had the whole military brat upbringing, dad in army, granddad etc so she’s really militant on simple things and it’s really quite annoying. Also, she seems to find it impossible to distinguish from son and tenant and speaks to us all like we’re her kids which of course drives me up the wall. You imagine another woman apart from your mother or a close relative scolding you in that annoyingly patronising tone you only accept from family and see how well you keep your temper. I felt like EXPLODING with rage – ‘sigh’.

This silly weather is getting out of control as well, as a result I really have no real desire to go anywhere. But, forced myself to go into Paris for dinner and drinks at my friend’s house and ended up having a great night in. Well out, as I went to Paris, but in as we didn’t end up going out anywhere. Just chillaxed, played drinking games, and laughed and joked until about 4 in the morning. Also got introduced to the game ‘psychology’ which is a great game if you’re NOT the guesser.  If you don’t know what I’m on about, too bad. For those that do, I know you feel my pain!

Sunday

Really relaxed Sunday, woke up late, went for lunch with the mates who stayed over at my friend’s house and then just hung out watching scrubs and family guy.  Watching these shows reminded me of how much I LOVE FAMILY GUY and how much better things are when you  do them with company. Although, I did get persuaded to watch the end of scrubs which I regretted because it was pretty emotional and created a rather large and unexpected gaping emotional hole that reminded me that I truly hate being alone. I really can’t wait for Christmas.

Monday

I think Christmas fever is getting to me or I’m just getting tired of teaching because I keep speaking more and more French in classes which is a complete fail! It seems I’ve just given up recently ; or I’ve just had my fill of miming and having to perform silly antics to be understood.

Today I tried a really SIMPLE activity. There were two different sheets A and B, both with images on it, but of the same people doing different things in different clothes. So you get partnered up and have to ask your partner what is X doing and wearing to find out the differences and then note them down. Easy right? NO! It took me 10 minutes to explain in English. Then I gave up and just explained in French. Only for me to walk around and find out my students are arguing about what X is doing and wearing, not having understood THERE ARE TWO DIFFERENT SHEETS. I just felt like storming out of the class I was so annoyed.

Didn’t appreciated being interrogated when I got home about why my rent payment hadn’t gone through yet – I explained I programmed it for the 5^th (day it’s expected). Only to find out that transfers take 48 hours in France. But yes, I’m still to blame although I had no idea!!!? At least I had a lot of energy and rage for the gym!!!!

Tuesday

Work was same old, same old. Not much time to spare when I got home as I left quite quickly to go to the 5^th to meet up with my friend for Birthday meal and drinks. Was great to see him again and just hang out talking and reminiscing about life pre France. Went to a bar afterwards and everything was all good until we got pestered by this annoying American.

Not only was her voice abrasive and irritating, but she just really couldn’t take athe hint that no one wanted her presence and she should be on her way.  No no no, she kept hovering around like those flies you want to swat.

I mean when you ask people what are you in France for and they reply ‘To Drink’, in the most monotonous, un-conversational voice known to man, then you should just take a hint. Or if people start introducing themselves as Chatos and Ophelia, and other names straight out of the Odyssey and Shakespeare, then you really are a fool not to take the hint. This lady was.  Although it was pretty amusing at the same time I must admit.

Unfortunately I had another ABSOLUTE NIGHTMARE trying to get home and I blame it all on my friend. He made me wait another 10 minutes because I just HAD to meet this SEXY friend of his. So I waited and when she came......she was meh. Hot yes, worth the drama I suffered because of those ten minutes? NO WAY IN HELL.

First of all dashed to get the metro line 10 and as I was coming out of my changeover place I saw the metro I was supposed to take go past. Only then to have the controleur’s tell me there are no more metro’s and I would have to take a bus. So went to the bus stop feeling unbelievably annoyed and suddenly when the adrenaline had died down....needing the biggest piss of my life. Quickly looked at the board and the bus says it’s coming in 5 minutes. 5 minutes, do I go, do I not, 5 minutes is enough time surely? Yes I’ll go......I really wished I had just stayed and wet myself.

Jogging back feeling so refreshed only to see the bus go past me. So as I know I didn’t have a record breaking 5 minute piss,  that means that FLIPPING bus came a few minutes early. So of course I did what any rational man would have done in my position.......raised my head, lifted my hands to the heaven and SCREAMED at the top of my voice!!!!!.....In complete vain of course as well as futile test of lung capacity. Unfortunately this wasn’t the end.

Now I had to wait 30 minutes for the BUS to come. Luckily it wasn’t late but then I did what I promised I would NOT DO. I feel asleep. I woke up God knows where and a 2 hour EPIC walk home AGAIN!!!

Having just relived the moment, I’m too annoyed to explain my theories on what’s up with back. Later.

The Salt

Week 8

So how is Paris? FLIPPING COLD!

Wednesday

Started off with my regular chilled Wednesday morning, relaxing, enjoying the fact I don’t have work today and not doing much at all. Unfortunately my usual all day siesta was cut short with the assistant’s meeting at L’academie de Paris....which I think was a GIGANTIC waste of time. The meeting was compulsory but all we did was trade teaching experiences for an hour and a half and then get private lectures in small groups for about an hour.

They should have just given us the forms and let us go, 5 mins MAX, as opposed to a 3 hour rant (by none other than the assistants themselves) about how this and how that were going in their school. However, as everyone is in a different school, with different circumstances and teachers, 90% of all that was said couldn’t apply to anyone else, so clearly I should have just stayed in bed.

On a brighter note, I can’t wait to get paid (this Friday) seeing as I am once again struggling for funds. I haven’t even got any texts or calls left on my miserable 0range account and so i’m just out of synch. Yes, I am a slave to technology and yes I do wonder what the world would have been like without things such as e-mail, texts, phone calls and the internet. Although I feel being born in a different time wouldn’t bother me as I would be clueless of modern tech and just wonder how those before me couldn’t live without things like I dunno, messenger pigeons.

Random aside; I really don’t get the point of Validating machines in French buses as you really don’t have to use them. What? Yes really. Lots of people (including myself) just walk onto the bus and don’t validate their navigo or whatever they have and the bus driver doesn’t even give you a second glance. Sometimes he or she might turn on the message asking you to validate but news flash – ignore it and he ignores you?? So even if I do have valid transport, I just can’t be bothered to take it out these days and so I just walk on.
It’s the same for the metro gates, you can just jump over or crawl through the majority of them and some of you might scoff at this but when you’re saving 400 euros or so, a few bumps or knee scrapes feel like a blessing.

Ok ok, yes once in a blue moon you will see a controleur on the bus or by the metro gate, but even if you get caught like 5 times a year (UNLIKELY) thats like 150 euros, versus 400 euros. So simple math right?

Thursday

Nothing much to say about today except only had one out of 2 hours of work which of course was a WIN WIN. So didn’t have to rush my gym session which I really appreciated. On another note, I went to Chateau Rouge today (the African quarter) and I was soooo at home. Haven’t been home in a while and so it was nice to see and smell African food as well as finally find somewhere I  felt comfortable getting my hair cut!

Also just started this new book called The Wolf’s Hour and I’m loving it! However, I have a rather obsessive personality and so I’m quite certain all other things are going to get sidelined for a while.

In the evening went to football training with my friends and it was fun except that we almost died from this ‘Death Frost’ people seem to be confusing with cold, it is clearly not the same!!!!!!! Didn’t really appreciate doing the plank on concrete in minus X degrees either but what can you do?

What annoyed me a little more than that though, was that my landlady berated me for letting my friends cook in the kitchen. This annoyed me because it seems so hypocritical, she pretends to be all relaxed about having people over, lulling you into a false sense of security and then BAM! She get’s annoyed at the most trivial things. So apparently my friends can come over and eat, they just can’t make any food.....do we see the problem here? Some people need to chillax and not flip over little things like the kitchen jeez.

  

Friday

Now what should have been a normal day at work became a very irritating one as one of my colleagues called me the NIGHT BEFORE, to tell me I have a morning class the next day when I didn’t have to be in until 3pm otherwise. So close, so so so close.

So there I am, up at 8am, arrive at school at 10 am and he’s not THERE. He gets there at 10.50!!!!!!! So I woke up for nothing, had to bum around school for several hours, freezing all on my own in the staff room which is at a very unhealthy 10degrees!!! And of course was generally not impressed.

Unfortunately the day didn’t get any better, as my 2 hour afternoon class was abysmal! It took me 1 hour to EXPLAIN the activity, and then they got bored of it after 30 minutes!!! Sometimes it’s just really hard to gauge an activity, what I think is going to be simple for them, often is not, and vice versa and then it changes with each class, it can get a little frustrating let me tell you.

Had a great post class/failure rant with my responsable (the teacher I refer too) about the difficulties of teaching and so felt a lot better knowing it wasn’t an isolated emotion.

Going back home was a NIGHTMARE as I froze the whole way there and then chickened out of a concert that evening for the sole reason that I didn’t want to have endure the cold. Absolute fail I know, but cold is my kryptonite...what can I say?

Saturday

Woke up incredibly angry due to the fact that I woke up late, even after setting 5 ALARMS and so I missed my bank appointment. As you know, I hate my bank and all things associated with it and so this appointment was supposed to be the be all and end all, so that I would never have to return....and I MISSED IT. So you may understand my slight agitation!!!!

On a rather more positive note, did quite a lot of site seeing today which was fun, went with my sight seeing partner....oh yes it’s been established now. Went to the Bois de Boulogne, which is really beautiful and a great walking space. Also enjoyed the botanical gardens, although they freaked me out a little and I kept thinking of Lemony Snicket’s books; I think it’s book two when there’s a large snake in some of greenhouse or something. Let’s not forget L’hotel de ville and Notre dame, which were equally impressive. So all in all, despite the unnecessarily low temperatures that had me and my friend huddling together like a pair of Siamese twins, it was a productive sightseeing excursion.

After sight-seeing, went to my friends house for dinner and she made a lovely pasta and sausage meal, that had me salivating during preparation and quite sated once devoured. Followed by a trip to Gare du lyon for a little get together at a friend’s place which involved some standard drinking games and  of course a lot of drinking. Met a Frenchman  which I was very excited about, as I am always eager to meet frenchies!!! Got his number and so hopefully he may be my link into the French social network.

I never made it out that night, so the predrinks weren’t really all that pre, as opposed to just drinks and I will admit that the journey home was perhaps a little bit....hazy.

Sunday

Mainly a recovery period. It seems the epitome of adolescence or student life is continually doing things that seem great at the time but which you regret enormously soon after, most notably .....the morning after.

So just a very relaxed day at home with lots of water. Watched Firebreather, Avengers and young justice. All of which I was very pleased with, and I feel were worth except the wait, except Firebreather which was a bit of a letdown, but oh well.  Although, must say am very irritated I have to wait until January for the next episode of Young Justice......aahhhhhh c’est la vie.

Monday

For some reason I thought it would be wise to stay up till 5am in the morning watching anime and reading manga. Clearly I found out the next day that it was NOT as I kept falling asleep in the cantine during lunchtime only to have the beady eyes of all the teachers staring at me reproachfully when I awoke. Only for me to avoid their gaze in embarrassment, return or attempt to return to eating my food. Only to once again fall asleep shortly after.  A vicious circle indeed!!!!!

Although, after my shambolic antics at lunch, things improved and I find myself increasingly involved in staffroom ‘chat’ which I really appreciate. So it would seem that my annoying schedule which leave large hours in between classes are actually paying off.

However, I am getting increasingly frustrated with my students because their low level of English really makes creating activities and teaching rather difficult. Now I realize I shouldn’t be so negative, but at the same time when some of your students have being studying English for over 7 years and yet they ask you how to say ‘Parler’ which means to ‘To Talk’, then your patience is really pushed to the limit. Other little things are starting to get to me now as well as even in French it seems the students have issues. For instance, they can’t tell the time nor did they know the difference between heads and tails in their own language....the latter of which really surprised me.

Tuesday

Long day at work, nothing much to say although I was asked to give my students oral marks, which I felt very uncomfortable with as I’m not trained nor was I prepared for such an endeavour mais c’est la vie. I forgot to say goodbye to my students ; seeing as I was won’t seem them until after xmas as I’m leaving early to go to America but I’m sure it’ll be alright.

When I got home, all I wanted to do was relax, but then I got a LAST MINUTE call to play football. I’ve been dying to play in a match for a while so of course I accepted and of course I almost died from the previously described ‘DEATH FROST’ but oh well. Didn’t really appreciate the NINJA KICK to my right knee either, especially as it had be limping home and in no small amount of pain. Perhaps I shouldn’t have played on, but we had no subs and perhaps they shoudln’t have put me in defense either? Why put a striker in defense????????????

Wednesday

Woke up in a great deal of pain and so decided to stay in bed for an additional 4 hours whilst reading.  When I finally did get up and hobbled to have some breakfast, I found my landlady crying in the kitchen and I felt unbelievably AWKWARD. I hate being around crying females as I’m hopeless, I never know what to do or say and sort of just stand there twitching nervously, looking constipated in an attempt to appear consoling.

Luckily it soon passed and she then showed me how to make chicken in a new way, using wine as the sauce (testament to the growing strength of our relationship) and it was AWESOME. Can’t wait it to try it on my own next time, I love learning how to do new things. Especially things that TASTE SO NICE, YUM.

So yeah I know it’s getting tedious, but still no clue on my back. Apologies. 

The Drop

Week 7

So how is Paris? Right as rain.

Wednesday

Stayed up late Tuesday night so didn’t get up too much on Wednesday. As I don’t work on Wednesdays it has become my chill day during the week anyway. Just relaxed at home, watched some vids on TV. Nothing much to say there.

Thursday

Work today was a rollercoaster, had one absolutely unbearable class. Kids kept messing around, refusing to participate and just being general nuisances, it was a nightmare and I really got depressed about it. In the end I had to switch my students for some other ones because I just couldn’t get on with the class while they were there.

I now have a newfound appreciation for teachers that deal with troublesome kids or troublesome schools in general. After being on the other side of the fence, you really appreciate how difficult and demoralizing it can be when students just make your life hell. Anyway, after that class all I wanted to do was go home and relax but luckily my next class were complete angels. Their level was pretty poor and some couldn’t even say my name is x, but they all got involved and really tried hard which is all that matters really. Also, at the end of the class my students thanked me, actually thanked me for the lesson. It felt so rewarding I tell you!!!! I can really appreciate the value or desire of being a teacher; because at that one moment, when my students thanked me,  I was OVER THE MOON. I really felt like I had accomplished something and I went home with a spring in my step.

Also finally got back into sport today – I’ve been off for a while because I would always be out or something would be on at the time. And as I went to the session with my two buddies I was ready for death. Death you say? Yes death. Let me explain, in my first week here while looking for which club I wanted to join, I went to many different training sessions and each one was more exhausting than the previous one! E.g. On one training session, the warm up was a 30 minute (excessive non?) jog, through the town. Which included going up and down hills at basically ninety degrees. Then suicides and then a full on match for an ONE HOUR?????? I mean I wasn’t exactly in great shape after am exercise free summer but still, I’m fairly fit and I was having difficulty BREATHING. JEEZ. I STRUGGLED to get up for work the next day. Let me tell you, The French really do not mess around with sport here. Either rock up and be prepared or stay at home.

Luckily death was not at my door this time and the session was OK. Although got reminded about the stupid French turf they used. It’s called stabilisé – it’s not grass, it’s not artificial, it’s crap. It’s like a mixture of crushed rock and sand that looks like tartan they use in Athletics and it HURTS when you fall over. And if you’re not used to playing on it (exhibit A) you fall a lot. Do the math.

Also watched the film legion, it was MEH. I liked the violence and action, but the film was really D rate at best.

On another note, now in a bit of dilemma; do I buy a ticket to go to America for xmas? Because I really do not want to stay in France by myself. Or do I get a job and start working off my rather large debts? Yes it was really a choice, I need that paper plz. Oh what, why am I considering going to America when Im already in financial difficulty? Well because it’s xmas and because I often do things I shouldn’t.

Friday

So nothing much today except I went to that meeting. You know the guy I met at the bus stop last week? He told me to come somewhere so he could discuss his plan on how he would make me rich....... Yes I did ask him at the bus stop, on the bus and on the phone, just telling him to explain to me then. But of course he refused (of course will be explained in a bit) and so I went. Why did I go....why not? I didn’t have anything else major to do at the time and I was curious. Anyway, it was a COMPLETE WASTE OF MY TIME. When I got there, I had to wait 25mins for a stupid presentation that he didn’t even take, it was by somebody ELSE. Then can you believe they spent 45 MINUTES telling you how amazing the scheme was, having many guest speakers come up and tell you how they all went from being broke to now driving ferrari’s blab la bla but they didn’t tell you HOW TO DO ANYTHING. Of course that was in PART TWO of the presentation (of course I didn’t stay), can you believe it?

After all his hype about this and that, it was just a stupid pyramid scheme. You know the whole you pay X to have a licence to sell Y and you get an unreasonable amount of Z for every item you sell. The company’s ACN and it’s about selling phone products. It all sounds very fishy to me, even though my friend in Canada says it’s the real deal, I still don’t buy it.

Moral of the story, if I was a cat, I would be dead......SEVERAL times over.

Went out that night to a new club in Bastille (as in never been before) called OPAA. Club wasn’t all that great. Maybe it was the dingy corner that put me off, or the weird music I’m not even sure how to label, not to mention the unnecessary amount of male bodies. Yet again, I’m always going on about how i like people that just get stuck in and give it a go and I’ve found that I may be a bit of a hyprocrite. When it comes to music and clubbing etc, there’s only so far I’m willing to go and OPAA was just a little too far.

Although was quite interesting to see Donatello (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles) on the metro while i was going to my friends house. Yep that’s right, some dude was dressed up as Donatello and was just chilling in the metro at 9.30pm. Really, the things you see here????

Also got a random tidbit for you. On the way home at about 1am on the metro this lady asked me to move my leg so she could go past and instead of moving it, lifting it up and down like your average joe.....I decided to ‘snake’ it out of the way, like zig zag left and right like it was rooted to the floor. In all honesty, I have no idea why on earth I did that, I would blame it on alcohol, except I wasn’t drunk. It was also clear by the completely BEMUSED look on the woman’s face that she also had a no idea what the hell I was doing either. Alas, I think Paris is affecting me more than it should.

I’m still broke, no real news flash there.

Saturday

Woke up late and didn’t do much. You see the pattern here? Although I’ve got a severe case of I wanttospeakmorefrenchitis! I really would like to have a great group of French people or French speakers that I hang out with often and speak French a lot with, as all this English isn’t really helping me improve. The whole non student thing is proving to be a tad bit more inconvenient than I had hoped. Had an option to go out, well two invites and I turned them both down. First time I had turned down an invite to go out for no reason. For shame I know. Low point for me. – Sigh -

Sunday

Nothing much today either, chilled at home and planned my lessons for the week – so not completely wasted. Also watched a few episodes of the new avengers show. It is something I will be watching regularly. The end of justice league unlimited left a gaping hole that has been adequately replaced.

Also went to the basement gym – yes it is rather cool there’s a gym in the basement in the house. Although I think my shoulder injury from last year is starting to resurface which is not good.

Oh I did go out to a Scottish pub somewhere in Paris, met a few new faces, it was cool. Pub was called the Thistle.

Monday

Good day at work, rubbish hours 10-11 and then 3-4 so I just have to hang around a lot. But actually enjoyed it, talked to staff more, felt a lot more integrated, exchanged jokes and took the metro back together for a while .

Tuesday

Long day at work, 9-5, but classes were good so no real complaints here. Except I thought I would be a bit daring and try some Fromage Frais at lunch....I immediately regretted this decision. For some reason I forced myself to eat all of it when I really should have listened to my stomach’s constant growling!!! So I had a massive stomach ache for the next few hours and it really was problematic. I’ve always thought having a ‘stomach ache’ was just a fake excuse to get out of something in the past, but it really can make life difficult. So apologies to all those ‘stomach achers’ I’ve never taken seriously.

In fact, this fromage frais really did put me in a precarious situation and renewed my strong distaste for the complete lack of toilets in metro stations!!! I mean people spend all day on those things, the least they could do is put a toilet here or there in a few stops but NOOOOOO. On this one day, on way back home my body suddenly decided I needed the bathroom. I tried to man up and just ride it out of course and that lasted all of ...........ten seconds. I was out at the next stop and moving as fast as I can (which was relatively slowly for fear of premature release) and looking for the nearest cafe. Luckily I found one directly opposite the metro exit – ALLELUILA moment INDEED. Down to the toilet in a flash and down to business. Only to find out there was no LOCK on the door. How did I find this out......someone tried to open the door. And now I’m fighting to keep it closed and this guy MUST BE AN IDIOT!!! Of course if the door doesn’t feel like opening there is someone in it. No you don’t try, try, and try again, and..... then try some more after giving you a false sense of security. NO! You leave the guy alone and wait or go somewhere else you clown. Also, the logistics of ‘clean up’ while trying to keep the door closed, should not be underestimated. NOT AT ALL.

Wednesday

Uneventful

Still haven’t figured out what is wrong with my back so yeah you know. And for those who were confused earlier – I would be dead If I was a cat = curiosity killed the cat.

In a Bizzle

Some Peppers

Week 6

So how is Paris? Well, I can’t really complain.

So going to start with another flashback, this really should have been the first thing I said but oh well. So on my first day in Paris, just getting out of Gare Du Nord, feeling a bit down after leaving all my friends, and a bit depressed about being all alone in a new country, i had an experience that just made me feel all that much worse!

So was trying to get a taxi – I considered braving the metro but my mountain load of suitcases didn’t really make that an option. So anyway I go to the taxi rank and I notice that the queue is absolutely MASSIVE, my generally icy mood immediately drops several degrees. Then this rather obscure looking man comes up to me and tells me he has a taxi round the corner. I take one look at him, analyze his slightly raggy clothes and bad breath, another look at the EPIC queue, shake my head and thrust my fate into the hands of this slightly dodgy man.

So now we’re walking right past the taxi rank and I’m feeling slightly better, only for Mr X to start waving down taxi’s like no one’s business! It soon becomes quite clear that he has no taxi but is in fact just someone who calls a taxi for you. I have no idea how to label this profession and so we’ll leave it at that. So now feeling on edge because of this dodgy individual, his brusque manner and his slight over familiarity with my luggage. However, all seems to turn out well and I finally manage to escape the cold and get a taxi courtesy of Mr X.

All is gravy until he won’t let me shut the door and keeps demanding for a cue (not sure how to spell it).  Who knew a 3 letter word could be so problematic? As I have no idea what he wants, but his brusque manner has me feeling uneasy so I try and shut the door with increasing force only for him to get further enraged and pry it open with twice the amount.

He soon starts yelling at the taxi driver, who of course yells back at twice the volume, the police soon arrive to sort out the public disturbance as things are starting to get quite heated! I’m in the back feeling ashamed, knowing this is all my fault but not having a clue on earth what I have done. The 40 minute taxi journey ‘home’ cost me a fortune and passed in dead silence. Found out later that night that Mr X just wanted a tip of 5 euros or so for getting me cab. I went to bed having learnt firsthand the problems of a language barrier and wondering what the hell I was doing in France. Who knew 2 months later I wouldn’t want to leave?

Wednesday

So anyway, on Wednesday I didn’t get up too much. As i’ve stated now i’m quite keen to get a job so Wednesday was my CV and cover letter day, which took the better part of it. I also finally went to the nearby shopping centre to fix my housemates bike so I could finally use it and while I was there I took note of a lot of job openings. Although I had been playing around with the idea of getting a job for a while, when I actually got serious about, there were opportunities everywhere if i had bothered to look before. It seems there’s always a way or things are always there once you actually put your mind to it.

Went to a house party that night, was alright but not really my scene with a little bit too much 80’s pop music and unnecessary smoking. Low point of the night was cleaning up a glass break after some stupid blonde knocked down a photo and some even dumber people believed her when she just pointed at me......although I was on the other side of the room. Ahhh sometimes people really do just deserve a slap.

Thursday

Thursday wasn’t really all that eventful either as I woke up quite late from the house party. Did a lot of online applications and more job esque work etc. In the evening I went out to Bastille for a birthday meal which was really nice. Had this duck thing which was ridiculously overpriced (Expected in Paris) but which actually tasted quite nice. Unfortunately the overpriced duck was the least of my worries that night; i had another nightmare with public transport.

Ran at lightning (yes lightning) speed to catch the noctilien (night bus) only for me not to pay attention to which direction it was going in and arrive 50 minutes later at the terminus in the OPPOSITE direction. Yes perhaps I should have paid attention to the stops etc but at 2.30am in the morning, after an unhealthy amount of alcohol, I don’t really function as I normally would okay.  Anyway I finally got to Chatelet after a 90minute bus journey (should take 20) only for somebody to fall out of the next bus like he had been Stone Cold Stunnered! If you don’t know what that this 1. Shame on you. 2. Look it up

And no this is not an exaggeration; there I was shivering and waiting miserably for bus N22, only for it to arrive and slowly open its angelic entrance to heat and comfort and then for a man to drop out head first, (head first indeed) and hit the pavement like he was determined to pass on some trade secrets. At first I had no idea what to think, then I laughed, then I stopped laughing when he stopped moving, froze when no one said a word, and then breathed and got on the bus when his friend started carrying him home, still unconscious im quite sure.

On a side note, met some random guy at the bus stop who said he could make me a rich man. Yeah I know.....at a bus stop right? But what can I say, it was cold, I was bored, he was there. So we exchanged details and I guess I’ll find out more about this soon.

Surprise, surprise French Admin continues to piss me off royally. After taking quite a long time choosing what I thought was quite a good phone deal – 25euros a month for 2hours talk time, unlimited texts and unlimited internet access, the French have annoyed me again. My first bill came up to 29.17 and of course my natural response was What the hell is this????!!! After much investigation, several phone calls and lots of walking I am being told it is the VAT???? Since when is VAT not included in the price, I thought they only did that in the USA? Which is SUPER ANNOYING btw and I’m still not convinced and will investigate further when I get my second bill.

On that note of annoying admin, I broke one of my taboo’s and decide to call up French customer services (I hate speaking on the phone in French) to get a free bank item; a rather lush engraved card carrier.  I mean it was all good until the insistent woman, kept insisting I get something else apart from my free leather card wallet. I mean i realize that is the whole scheme of things but when a guy says if I have to pay for it, I don’t want it over and over and over again like some jukebox on the fritz, telling him about the amazing Z or Y he can get really isn’t clever is it? Why do people just not like to listen sometimes jeeezzzz!!!!

Friday

Friday was particularly uneventful. Regular day at work, although I did get the ‘who are you really’ look when I tried to join in the lunch banter. I’ll try again next week L

Spent most of the day chilling at home, trying to organise my life and figure out what I’m going to do for Christmas.

Saturday

Spent most of Saturday at my Uncle’s house in Antony which was great as he prepared a magnificent African feast, invited some French friends over and we ate, drank and spoke French all night. I was pleased. Also watched Salt....it was MEH. The twist was a bit too predictable and some of Jolie’s feats were just silly. Tomb raider or not there’s no way you can keep up with an elevator by JUMPING from level to level? Errrr you would break your legs....several times. Just plain silly.

Sunday

As equally uneventful as Friday except I lost my house keys which annoyed me immensely for 48 hours. You ever notice that when you lose something you look for it in the most RIDICULOUS places? The Fridge (i know right) – check, my shoes check, the dustbin check. You name it, I looked there. And then of course you always find it somewhere where you’re SO SURE you’ve checked. – On the table by the front door. I was so annoyed about where I found them that I didn’t even feel like being happy I found them!!! AAAHHHHHH

Monday

Regular day at work, got really frustrated with one of my students today, as she wasn’t able to understand the concept of ‘Repeat after me’, even when it was explained to her in French, by her classmates??? – Sigh- On the upside, there was a male appearance in the staffroom today. whoop whoop.  Also going to the gym regularly now which I’m happy about, i hate feeling unfit. Went out for drinks in bercy village in the evening, standard.

Tuesday

Good day at work, students nice but giving the same lessons many times over as  I keep switching classes due to stages and absences.

Bercy village again tonight, + more people, + food + drinks = happy me.  Although the unnecessarily small piece of meat I got with my chips was a grievous thorn in my side. I don’t know why posh restaurants employ the tactic of ‘massive plates’ ‘tiny portions’, all it does is piss you off.

Wednesday

Another chilled and uneventful day. Well except I went swimming and was forced to wear ‘the dreaded skimpies!!!!!’ Regular shorts are banned in France because it’s unhygienic????? Someone will have to explain that to me. But anyway because I didn’t feel like going back home and waiting to swim another day I asked to borrow some ........... BIG MISTAKE. Those things were tighter than a straight jacket!!!! I felt naked and exposed and relived the shame of PE class age 8-10, forced to swear skimpies. THE HORROR.

Also saw someone punching his dog in the face on the way home. Wait WHATTTT!!???? Yes giving it full on left and right hooks to the face like Iron mike. Now first of all I repeat, WHAT?? Animal cruelty please. Secondly, the dog wasn’t one of those small chiwawa’s, no it was FLIPPING HUGE. He must be BRAVE or just STUPID to punch such a beast, when it could clearly eat him. Ahh the things I see in this place.

Lastly, although I said I’d explain why my back is allergic to France this week, I’m still not sure so until next week.

Here Come The Onions

Week 5

So how is Paris? Well in short, I am a rather happy bunny.

Now before we move on to why I am a rather happy bunny, I feel I must fully explain my deep seeded hate for my local bank - BNP Paribas.

So it all started that sunny day way back when, (September 25^th) when I went to open my bank account. I should have known that things were going to be weird from the moment when trying to open my account with Mr X and he didn’t accept my passport as valid identification. Wait what??????????? Yes I am not joking. I handed over my passport in full confidence that my globally recognized, fully functional, up to date passport that I’ve used to go from Malta to Spain, to America to Egypt would be accepted in this bank, by this man. Surely??? Surely not! Now understand my confusion, I was lost for words and spent the next 10 minutes trying to explain (as politely as possible of course) that this man was a fool who should be slapped and fired for his ignorance.

Anyway, after a while I gave up trying to reason with this fool – as you can never beat a fool – he will only drag you down to his level and beat you (soundly) with experience. Instead I brought out my UK driving licence and.............I hit a brand new brick wall of stupidity!!!! After looking at my licence like it was some foreign object, as opposed to the international identity card it is, and flipping it over......numerous times, - he simply slid it back across the table to me and shook his head gravely, like I had failed a test or something??? So yes now I am more than a LITTLE bit annoyed. – In hindsight, I should have realized the extent of this man’s stupidity at that moment and then and asked to see someone else, yes I know that. But instead, being the novice I am in matters of foolishness, I simply got out every card I had from my Nigerian licence to my Tesco club card only for him to accept my International Student Card????? People seriously what is up with French administration!!!!!????? It pisses me off as much as unrelenting bad breath.

Now for those who are not with BNP I need to explain the next part – all students are entitled to a Carte Visa Classic, a chequebook and an overdraft facility with the ‘Esprit Libre Intiative’ deal that BNP is offering. Not sure how long they are going to do it for, but everything is free (I’ll get to that later) and that is a real deal coz most things aren’t if you join a big bank.

So anyway, as was my right I asked for the Carte Visa Classic (instead of Visa Electron) that most people get only for Mr X to refuse and say I am not allowed it. Of course I just quoted  (‘word for word’) the ad from the net and still he refused apparently because I was a student and had no source of income. At the time I didn’t realize that this was more FOOLISHNESS (ít’s endless) and you are entitled to these things irrespective! Anyway, i returned on our next appointment and showed him my assistants contract, my proof of salary and everything that he said I needed to guarantee me all these services. Now he turns around and has the cheek to tell me I didn’t explain that I wasn’t a student the first time!!! Well I did you overgrown ignoramus, I even sent him an e-mail afterwards (still have a copy) to make sure I explained properly and he REPLIED saying he UNDERSTOOD. COME ON!!

Of course I also asked if this service was free, only for him to tell me that it was not, and then for him to add that he ALSO thought it was? How can you openly admit ignorance of your bank right there and then???? FYI – it costs everyone 2.30 euros a month or something to subscribe to the bank card – something they don’t tell you before.

Moving on, so I left that day thinking everything was gravy only for the stupid Carte Electron to arrive in the mail. I was back at the bank in 10 minutes only for Mr. Fat head to tell me I needed to make ANOTHER appointment to open the services I wanted and get the Visa Classic. Why did you NOT tell me that in our 2^nd appointment? I mean REALLY why????? As you can tell, I was more than a little bit annoyed at this point and decided that in our next appointment, all hell was going to break loose. So i dutifully planned every patronizing thing I was going to say the morning of my appointment only for the director to call me and tell me my appointment was cancelled because Mr. Big Nose had left the agency???? Of course this probably had nothing to do with me, but I like to think he ran away in fear of the verbal trauma he was going to suffer at my hands. This took 4 weeks.

On a better note – had a meeting with the director next (he replaced Mr Bum face) and sorted out everything in 10 minutes. My chequebook and visa classic card came the next week. All good right? Almost, just almost.

Now I found a new problem – online transfers. Trying to sort out my rent with my landlady and my stupid online banking hardcore didn’t feel like letting me do an online transfer. Of course I was confused, i had done all the necessary – added the beneficiary, got the activation code, activated the system bla blab la, but still got nothing. When I told my landlady she didn’t believe me of course until I showed her and she read the message herself. Told me to go to the bank and get them to ‘activate’ my online transfers. What a ridiculous system??

So went to the bank and got the once rather attractive woman (as she works at the bank i hate, i am struggling to like her) to do the business. She smiles at me and tells me it is all done. Only for me to go back home, try and log on to my account and be UNABLE to. I was back at the bank in 5 minutes and simply asked what have you done? ‘Well I reset your account seeing as you told me it wasn’t working.’ ‘It was working fine except the online transfers and it is the bank’s fault at that, I have done nothing here, so why would you do that?’ ‘It is the only way, just wait for your new code which you will get in a few days, I am just trying to help’. ‘So let me get this right, my online banking was perfectly fine before i came here except I couldn’t transfer money online, I asked you to fix it. But now, no longer can I STILL NOT do online transfers, I cannot even log on to my own account, I have to wait for a silly code to arrive in the mail, and if I want to do a transfer, I have to come to the bank each time? This is how you’ve helped me?’....... No answer.

Okay maybe I was a little mean and if that really is the only way well then i might feel bad – BUT I found out it’s not! I really, REALLY, do not like French admin and I’m still waiting for that flipping code.

Right onto better things (apologies for the gigantic rant) but I felt I had too even though I’ve barely left any space for anything else so i’ll have to keep it brief.

So came back from England on Wednesday and was really depressed at first. But when I woke up I felt as right as rain – had a great day at work, (my students are really lovely) and remembered all the reasons why I’m having so much fun in France. Also actually got involved more than before in lunch talk, cracked a joke and found out that all my teachers openly dislike the proviseur – it was some emphatic head nodding I tell you! Also found out lots of my students are going on stages for about a MONTH, means less classes for me and still getting paid – CACHING $$$$.

Also went to this African event on Thursday called ‘The Before’ and it was really cool. Like a great African vibe that I did not expect to find in the centre of Paris and there was even a dance class where the audience got taught two different African dances – Dombola and Macossa. Sorry if you don’t know what it is....look it up. On another note, some people just don’t have rhythm, I mean I really rate people for getting involved nonetheless, i love people that just get stuck in. But still, some people’s hips should have a safety belt or something because it just doesn’t work jeez. Also kind of felt sorry for the woman who got the full ‘Dombola Experience’ from the African instructor. – Proper had her sit on a chair and just experience his dancing.....she looked like she was starring in paranormal activity....... poor, poor woman. If you haven’t seen it before, the shizz can freak you out 4 real.

Another good day of work on Friday except almost died coming out of the metro station at Bastille – as the place stank like a rhino’s anus! No I have no idea how that really smells, but i’ve watched my fair share of discovery channel, and with the size of their ‘business’ it certainly can’t smell like roses. Still wondering what made that smell that day.

Weekend was really chilled – you noticed I haven’t mentioned going out yet? Well it’s because I’m too broke...still. England trip cut my pockets...deep. So I spent the weekend doing my CV and applications etc and just relaxing. I need that paper man!

Also discovered my landlady’s son has built a gym in the basement when I went down to do my laundry.....yes PLEASE.

Monday and Tuesday were also relatively chilled days, nothing much to talk about there. Had fun at work, was teaching repeat lessons now because lots of my students have gone on stage so I get random classes. I don’t really mind because they’re all quite nice but all the same i wouldn’t mind a bit of continuity.

Went to duplex on Tuesday night, nothing really much happened there so we’ll skim over that.

House party on Wednesday night was pretty cool but a little too much smoking and 80’s pop music for my liking, but meh we all have different tastes. However, wasn’t pleased with the chick who knocked over a mirror and then had the cheek to blame it on me......silly woman! Nor did i appreciate the man on man kissing; if you’re gay that’s cool and all. But if you’re straight and then just start pulling guys because being drunk gives you an excuse.....well then not so cool in my opinion.

Also I realized that night that my desire to conserve money has stretched to new lengths as opposed to taking a 20 euro taxi, i took a 2 hour free bus journey home. It will be worth it in the long run.

On another note, I think my back is allergic to France, i’ll explain next week.

The Knife

Week 4

So how is Paris? Well in short, things are going rather swimmingly.

Well I’m gonna to start with something that actually happened in my first week here, as i think it’s worth mentioning and I’m actually quite surprised that I didn’t mention it before:

Before coming to France, i had already decided that I was quite determined to get a French girlfriend, or one that speaks French as i think that would really help me linguistically. Anyway, I went to open a bank account in the nearest town on my second day here and there was this rather attractive young woman behind the welcome desk. Now i’m not entirely sure what possessed me, maybe it was eagerness for France, first sight attraction or a slight dose of stupidity, but i decided there and then that this girl was going to become my girlfriend. Great idea right? Slight problem.....i had no idea (still no idea) on how to go about this in a foreign language!

So on the first encounter i didn’t do anything, nor did i on the 2^nd, 3^rd, or 4^th, - yes i went to the bank a lot, so what?? i had ‘business’ to attend to.

So anyway one day on my way back from work, i decided to go see if my bank card was ready. However on the way there, i decided that i was going to man up and try and talk to this girl today. So i spent the entire journey (20 mins) planning what i was going to say, and hoping it made sense in French. When i got there, i almost bottled it because she got me off guard, silly woman and her first question was ‘am i here to pick up my bank card’. Now as i wasn’t ready for this, i kind of blurted out (trying to be cool of course) ‘no i just came to see you’.....followed by an awkward silence, which lasted a bit longer than i cared for.  Thankfully the awkward laugh eventually came and i could finally start breathing again, but in that few seconds i felt like a ridiculous fool.

So anyway, i actually did get her talking, about where she goes out, does she like going out etc, she gave me the whole i work a lot bla bla bla. Then, being the rather sneaky person that she is, she took my number before i could take hers, of course taking all the power, and said she would call me when next she went out. That was week 1, it’s now week 4 and nope she still hasn’t called yet and no i’m not silly enough to think she will. She also slyly dropped the boyfriend bomb but that’s beside the point. To me, that was my first successful attempt (yes successful, numbers were exchanged) of chatting up a French girl.

Sorry for the sidetrack, so anyway this week has been decent. Getting really comfortable at work now, getting to know my students pretty well, feeling like I fit in more in the staff room and generally just feeling more comfortable in my role. However as usual, there were a few things that I wish hadn’t happened.

Primarily the metro in the morning; now more than average, i am really not a morning guy (my nickname was the zombie at college)  and all i really want to do on the metro is get some more sleep. But there is always some guy who just won’t let me – sometimes it’s mr singer, or mr accordion, or mr beatbox (more spit than anything), mrs singer or on one particularly annoying day it was mr trumpet. Yes I know they are just trying to make a living and  I have a fortunate life not to be in their shoes but I’m a sucker for sleep okay? On this occasion Mr Trumpet was going all out and I turned to gaze at the floor in helplessness only to find a dog trying in full flurry trying to dig through the metro floor. Perhaps he was trying to escape the noise too??? But for real, what would you make of that?....Personally I still don’t have a clue. I reckon at the end of the year im going to be immune to strange sights and random events.

Random events like regular jogs through the streets or 3 , 4, or 5 in the morning. You might be thinking what the hell is wrong with me? But what would you do, if you’re flipping freezing, the next bus comes in 40 minutes but you can run there quicker? (well so you think, let’s not forget the above average intoxication levels) Anyway, it seems these jogs are actually getting me quite fit as what started of as a 40 minute mission is now like a 20 minute cruise.... RANDOM! Who knew I’d be getting my cardio done at 4 am in the morning? Who knew my neighbourhood was so flipping creepy at that time? Who knew being cold was such a flipping strong motivator?

Now what else – oh yeah i made the dreaded journey to my friend’s house again – the one who i fell asleep playing fifa with. Now all was great until I was standing at the bus stop, waiting to catch the bus (wait for it), desperate not to be late, when the bus just drove straight past me.  No, there is no way he didn’t see me as I might as well have been doing the Macarena in joseph’s Technicolor dream coat! Anyway, still determined to make it, i decided to take a massive shortcut through the grass and dash to the next bus stop. But woah behold, i forget it had been raining..... heavily.  So yes I tripped, and time seemed to slow down for me like in those movies where the guy knows what’s going to happen and can’t do nothing about it. So as my face approached the floor all I could think was......i really want to slap that bus driver.

Somehow I still manage to catch the bus only for him to apologize and say ‘I thought you were going the other way’ (i said wait for it right?). To this day, i cannot fathom that response, I really wanted to slap him so hard he started understanding English, only so I could abuse him properly in my native tongue!

Anyway so everything’s all gravy now, until the bus stops at the next stop ......bus is having a 30 minute break!  I didn’t even say anything, I just got out of the bus and started running only to turn the corner, find out the bus moves in a square and I could have just WALKED in the first place! Can we say blinding rage???????

Moving on, finally got to the restaurant with my mate, only to eat what can only be described as an oversized penis at his recommendation. Found out sooner than I’d liked that I had just eaten pigs intestines......great! So yeah, don’t eat what looks like a penis for dinner guys.

Fortunately climbing the Eiffel tower that night put me in better spirits, although it did remind me that I don’t really like heights that much. So what the on earth am I doing up there? Same reason why I jumped out of a plane....I don’t really think things through.

Next day (Saturday now) went to Disneyland and had a really good time so that was cool. Although it was a lot more kiddish than I expected. One tip though, avoid the ‘Peter Pan’ ride like nobody’s business. The only thing neverland taught me is to never, ever go again.

Went out to this new club called Bajalo that same night and had a blast, if you’re into R&B and hip hop you won’t be disappointed. Although I must say when ‘head, shoulders, knees & toes’ came on I did get carried away as no one else really knew the tune. Looked bout as out of place as a reindeer in Ibiza but I digress. The highlight of the night was definitely my mate’s 10 minute rant why females should be wiped from the earth. –(Didn’t get with this girl, she had a bf, but didn’t feel like telling anyone that, no really she didn’t) So he thought she was just being coy. Best quote ‘No matter what I do, girls just........ something......... all over me, i bet next time I try to get with a girl ‘she will just diarrhoea all over my face’.  Was he a bit tipsy? Yes. Does it make sense? No. Did that stop me from laughing uncontrollably? Obviously not.

Also appreciated my random encounter that night at 6am with this Californian girl and german guy. At first they thought I was French (GET IN), but that’s coz I didn’t say anything but oh well. Numbers.......check.

Went out Sunday night aswell, or well tried to at least. If someone ever told you Paris doesn’t sleep, they lied like a fat cow, (I don’t get the phrase either) - it sleeps like snow white after 11pm on Sundays. Safe to say the bus home wasn’t full of laughs.

Speaking of bus journeys, I had a rather memorable experience on Tuesday night, the night before I travelled to UK. Probably shouldn’t have gone out as I had to travel the next morning, but I think it’s by now that I rarely ever make the right choice. So chilling at the bus stop after a night out at this club called Duplex (another good R&B scene, really enjoyed it) and bus comes 30 mins late. But was cool coz had another random encounter with 2 american girls this time. Anyway when I did get on the bus i did the one thing I REALLY did not want to do.....I fell asleep. Woke up about 6am in what can only be described as a fish port of some sort.

Hmmmm slight panic attack, started running through the streets (why not) only to reach a dead end at the motorway. Asked Mr fish (had a fish van) for some directions and basically cried on the spot coz of his response. Luckily mr fish came back and offered me a ride. Smart? Probably not. But when it’s 6am, you haven’t the foggiest where you are and you need to travel in the morning, if you would have chosen the 4 or so hour walk. Well then you’re a hero! Luckily I didn’t die or anything...clearly, got home safe and made the journey fine in the morning.

On a side note, my landlady slapped my ass a few days ago...i think I found it weirder than you did - trust me.